| - anything depressing enough for it to be called jazz An "off beat" poem I wrote and performed at a cafe the other day
(Word of Warning... I don't follow any rules in poetry, so.. feh..at this point this week... I don't care much about rules, or anything.. It just needed to be said.. to get it out of the war of ideas that keep swamping my brain.)
( )'s were for softer, whispered parts:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I have too many ideas rushing through my head....
A screaming, then silence,... (my muse...she's dead.)
I look out one mintue at the glowing moon
and then before my eyes
it's after the sunrise ...
and my canvas is blank.
(what the hell is happening to me?)
Time just rushes by.. and I can't grip the controls...
I'm rolling down a hill with no brakes... into oncoming traffic.
I feel the tense before the battle, the calm before the storm...
angry, .... alone... behind....belittled...
(what the hell is happening to me?)
It's like the world is getting darker, dimmer, thinner...
losing something I can't remember...
Leaving me in the shadows...
Like it's somewhere I belong.
Screaming....
blood everywhere...
A heart races in fright,
I look around...
it's me,
(I'm never alright...)
just the same nightmare....
on another night
(what the hell is happening to me?)
The world I want is dead,
Now instead
love turns to hate,
passion to rape,
hate to gore,
lover to whore.
being alone is now a "diease",
because we can't be where we be,
without someone wanting, begging us ("please"),
for us to do something that they "need",
because of oppertunity,
that made us slaves to them,
in the great big machiene of life.
I'd rather be alone,
The way I've lived,
The way I'll die,
Then sit with you
and lie.
(lie...)
(lie...)
lie...
hiding back the tears I'll cry
when I learn that the lie,
was between you and I,
because you couldn't deny
you loved me .....once.
but oh no!
not now!
not when your friends leaned about
how you got a girl with brains, instead of one who puts out.
because I can cross my legs on the first night,
-I'm- the one whose -not- alright,
just go... get out of my sight..
(don't say my name again...)
my heart can't break much more,
cuz when you'd rather date a whore,
It drove me straight threw my core,
never say my name again.
Again, I awake in the cold drench of a nightmare.
Again, The air feels colder, the world darker,
everyone thinner yet ego's fatter.
and all i hear is the pitter patter,
of my own heart beating faster, (faster, faster)
Pen in hand, paper all around,
listen to the muse,
she can't be found.
Close my eyes, roll them back, try and look back to her face.
nothing...
darkness..
only blood and shadows take her place..
(I...)
I killed her...
(I know I have..)
the blood on my hands is proof enough to the crime I can't remember.
hot tears streaming down my cheeks,
No one in the world weeps,
but me...
You'll look later,
but will not see..
the pain... the hurt... the suffering..
that lays inside this mind of mine..
I'll smile to your reply,
just to pass the time,
waiting for a sweet demise,
and hope the road of life is less bumpy.
what the hell happened to me?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
honest... and raw... it's what I am.
feedback is lovely, but honestly... if you don't care... shut up.
I'm tired of complaints... as for today... let the "doctor" side of me not give a crap right now... this is my darker side... and she's being polite right now
hopefully tomorrow I'll be "chipper" again... or at least more medicated to make me that way....
whatever
-YLAM, TGNB | 
